Postpartum Week 7

 So far it is week 7 and things have gotten slightly better. I am still trying to navigate my life as a mother. My baby has gotten bigger. Some nights are easier than others. She has been able to sleep through the night without much disturbance and only waking up for feeding time. I have been doing tummy time with her to help her strengthen her neck muscles and today, she was able to hold her head up for maybe about 45 seconds. She is becoming very chatty often chatting with my mother. Fussiness is still there mostly happening in the daytime. The rash on her face has gotten better but it is still there (I miss her super soft cheeks). We have been setting a bedtime routine for her. So, for the most part, she has been good with sleeping throughout the night.

As for me, I am getting better at being a mother. Again, I am still navigating through all this. I am still struggling on time management. My anxiety is still there and hasn't changed. Every time I am at my partner's place, my anxiety is high. I am very uncomfortable being there. The main reason is his hostile grandmother and accessibility is not good. I'll get into more details later. My sleep pattern is still out of whack. I can't sleep during the day because I have things to do and most of the time, I am by myself. Yes, I am still left by myself to take care of my baby. I still get overwhelmed especially when I thought I have everything under control, but I don't. I am still trying get my partner and his family to understand that I do need extra helping hands for at least majority of the day so that way I can sleep, eat, and take care of chores. As a first time (and inexperienced) mother, I still need help even though it is past the first month mark and putting me by myself is nerve wracking. I can't sleep well at his place because it is uncomfortable, and I am stressed out from having to take care of my baby by myself. Because of this stress, I am again producing less breastmilk, and I also haven't been able to pump.

From my last post, I was having a lot of issues with my partner's family. Things have somewhat gotten better but also some things have gotten worse. From my last post, I was mostly having issues with his father and his sister. His sister's behavior has gotten a little better. His father, well...I wouldn't say things have gotten better. He is still harsh as usual. The other day, the room was hot and all I asked was if he could turn up the A/C. He was holding my baby, and he mentioned that she was feeling hot. I took out the thermometer to check my baby's temperature. The first reading was at 101 degrees. I did a second test to make sure that it wasn't a fluke. The second reading was at 97 degrees, and I also checked the other ear and her forehead to make sure that she did not have a fever. Both were at 97 degrees, meaning that she did not have a fever. My partner witnessed it, and his father was flipping out saying that she has a fever even though he saw me taking her temperature and then saying that she did not have a fever. At that moment, I thought to myself, is he just going to continue running his mouth like last time. While he did not run his mouth like last time, but he was still speaking like I don't know anything nor care about the situation. In fact, I did know what to do and I was caring. I was remaining calm and carefully assessing the situation. The last thing I need to do is go to the pediatrician or hospital and getting told that she does not have a fever. The last time my baby went to the ER (because of her jaundice), it costed me $400 for them to tell me that she is sleepy. Yes, the last ER trip was a little unnecessary, but it was at the same time necessary out of caution since at that time, she had jaundice. Throughout the day I was checking in on her temperature to ensure that she wasn't having a fever. I also had his sister, who is working to become a full-time nurse, check in on her and she also made sure the thermometer I bought was working correctly. At the end of the night, he was going on telling people that my baby had a fever and I did nothing about it. I was furious that he would make such accusations and really at this point wanted to tell him off in front of the rest of the family calling him some harsh names. But for the sake of my child, I did not say anything and just told my partner what had happened. His mother was also in the conversation, and I explained to her what really happened. I also explain that the A/C needed to be consistent as my baby is unable to regulate her temperature yet. I also voiced my concerns regarding how the place gets very hot at times, and even moving to different area of the house did not resolve the issue. Now did that finally get through their head? It is to be determined in the next update.

Prior to having this baby, I never had any major issues with his grandmother. Granted, I wasn't living under the same roof as my partner and his family. At first, all I really did was ignore her presence and just went about my day. I didn't notice anything about her behavior because I was just ignoring her. Lately, I've noticed some strange (and hostile) behavior she has towards me and only me. I talked to my partner and his mother about this and all I was told was that she is old. When I talked to his sister about this, she said that she believed that she might have some form of dementia or Alzheimer's. So, I let his grandmother be and carried on with the day keeping in mind about the possibility of her behavior is the result of that dementia/Alzheimer's. However, in the last 2 weeks I have been staying at his place, it appeared that she has become even more hostile towards me when I am left alone with her. Like I would be in the kitchen cleaning the bottles, pump parts, and just using it in general, and she would come in and keeps watching me and standing extremely too close to me. There was one instance in which I was cooking my instant noodle and was dumping out the excess hot water in the sink, she literally put her hand in the sink as I was dumping out the water. I, of course, pulled back so that I do not burn her. She took her hand out of the sink, and when I thought she was done with whatever she was trying to grab from the sink, I, again, poured out the hot water, and she put her hand in the sink. At that point, I did not believe it was a coincidence, and that she is intentionally doing it so that she can tell the rest of the family that I deliberately hurt her. I raised that issue to my partner and his mother. I also mentioned that it is possibly retaliation for when I told them that she went up the stairs (which is not supposed to) and walked into the room while I was in there with the baby, supposedly looking for laundry detergent. My partner and his mother told me that she doesn't listen and that she is old. I, of course, let that go. Another time, while I was cooking, she took my phone that was sitting on the counter next to me. I didn't think too much on it, thinking she might have taken it by mistake. In the last 2 weeks, her hostility has become much clearer. I only found out earlier that his mother has seen what she has been doing to me via the camera she installed and spoke with her about it. I finally felt heard and that I was not imagining what was happening. As his mother described from her perspective, his grandmother would constantly enter the kitchen when I am in there and would literally stay there standing guard. She also mentioned how she (his grandmother) would be standing literally shoulder-to-shoulder with me and making me feel uncomfortable. Just earlier, while I was loading up the baby bottle washing machine, she lightly (because she is a frail old lady) shoved me in from of my partner and he told her off. Because of the fact she is old and frail (and my partner was holding the baby), I did not shove her right back as I would normally do if someone else did that to me. 

Ok, enough of the rants.

In the past week, I've noticed my wrist have been getting painful. I figured that this is just from holding the baby. But the strangest thing is that I feel like my wrist is getting dislocated even though it is not especially when I move my thumb. I have been diagnosis with tendinitis in the past and required a splint brace. I really do not want to think too much on it and I really don't want to wear a splint.